What it is like...

Here is a list of the Recovery Patterns when working the program of CoDependents Anonymous. 

The Recovery Patterns of CoDA

The following checklist is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand codependency. It may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns

In Recovery. . . :

• I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between my thoughts and feelings. 
• I embrace my feelings; they are valid and important. 
• I know the difference between caring and caretaking. I recognize that caretaking others is often motivated by a need to benefit myself. 
• I am able to feel compassion for another’s feelings and needs. 
• I acknowledge that I may own the negative traits I often perceive in others. 
• I acknowledge that I sometimes need the help of others. 
• I am aware of my painful feelings and express them appropriately. 
• I am able to express my feelings openly, directly, and calmly. 
• I pursue intimate relationships only with others who want, and are able to engage in, healthy and loving relationships. 

Low Self-esteem Patterns

In Recovery. . . :

• I trust my ability to make effective decisions. 
• I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection. 
• I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive. 
• I value the opinions of those I trust, without needing to gain their approval. I have confidence in myself. 
• I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person. 
• I seek my own approval first, and examine my motivations carefully when I seek approval from others. 
• I continue to take my personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it. 
• I am honest with myself about my behaviors and motivations. I feel secure enough to admit mistakes to myself and others, and to hear their opinions without feeling threatened. 
• I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate. 
• I perceive myself as equal to others. 
• With the help of my Higher Power, I create safety in my life. 
• I avoid procrastination by meeting my responsibilities in a timely manner. 
• I am able to establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries in my life. 

Compliance Patterns

In Recovery. . . :

• I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals. 
• I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry. 
• I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans. 
• I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings. 
• I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately. 
• My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. When I need to feel loved, I express my heart’s desires. I do not settle for sex without love. 
• I ask my Higher Power for guidance, and consider possible consequences before I make decisions. 
• I stand in my truth and maintain my integrity, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life. 

Control Patterns

In Recovery. . . :

• I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. 
• I accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others, even though I may not be comfortable with them. 
• I give advice only when asked. 
• I am content to see others take care of themselves. 
• I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift. 
• I embrace and celebrate my sexuality as evidence of my health and wholeness. I do not use it to gain the approval of others. 
• I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance. 
• I find and use resources that meet my needs without making demands on others. I ask for help when I need it, without expectation. 
• I behave authentically with others, allowing my caring and compassionate qualities to emerge. 
• I ask directly for what I want and need and trust the outcome to my Higher Power. I do not try to manipulate outcomes with blame or shame. 
• I cooperate, compromise, and negotiate with others in a way that honors my integrity. 
• I treat others with respect and consideration, and trust my Higher Power to meet my needs and desires. 
• I use my recovery for my own growth and not to manipulate or control others. 
• My communication with others is authentic and truthful. 

Avoidance Patterns

In recovery. . . :

• I act in ways that encourage loving and healthy responses from others. 
• I keep an open mind and accept others as they are. 
• I engage in emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy when it is healthy and appropriate for me. 
• I practice my recovery to develop healthy and fulfilling relationships. 
• I use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and deal appropriately with confrontations. 
• When I use the tools of recovery, I am able to develop and maintain healthy relationships of my choosing. 
• I embrace my own vulnerability by trusting and honoring my feelings and needs. 
• I welcome close relationships while maintaining healthy boundaries. 
• I believe in and trust a power greater than myself. I willingly surrender my self-will to my Higher Power. 
• I honor my authentic emotions and share them when appropriate. 
• I freely engage in expressions of appreciation toward others. 

The Recovery Patterns of Codependence may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA)
for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.

Copyright © 2010 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. All rights reserved